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更新时间：2023-09-12 07:18
详细剧情
喜剧演员艾维·辛格（伍迪·艾伦 Woody Allen 饰）是这样一个人：非常介意自己的犹太人的出身；自认为有童年阴影，看了十六年心理医生没见好转却一直付钱看；有点阿Q精神，但对人生却充满消极；喜欢一直讲无聊的笑话。正因为自身的神经质特质，艾维经历了两次失败的婚姻。 艾维 遇到了安妮（黛安·基顿 Diane Keaton 饰）――一直梦想成为歌星的女孩，两人渐渐堕入爱河。安妮在艾维的帮助下歌唱技巧迅速提高，但她的父母却反对她与艾维来往。 安妮得到了唱片商托尼的注意，获邀前往好莱坞灌录唱片，艾维跟着前往了好莱坞向安妮求婚。
长篇影评
1 ) 知识份子的矛盾爱情阵痛――《Annie Hall》by Woody Allen
“以缺乏智慧为前提，漂亮、美妙、富贵”,是多数男人衡量理想女伴的标准，然而以知识份子自恃的那撮，往往认为如果缺乏和另一半的神交，那些理想的美丽始终会如烟花般退却，热情无以为继。 于是，知识份子们不胜其烦向身边女人灌输他的价值观、他的哲学书、他的审美、甚至自掏腰包逼她去看他的心理医生，务求令女伴拥有他值得欣赏的智慧为止。同时，他认为这是对女伴一种责任和尊重，而非勉强。 讽刺的是一番用心良苦后，爱的女人终于有了想法，可他却发现自己已无法驾驭身边女人的智慧，困于爱情的自私和爱一个人该有的无私之间的取舍中，泥足深陷于预期以外的窘况，无法抽离。 “我永远不会加入有像我这样的会员的俱乐部。”....这是《Annie Hall》里的Alvy Singer（Woody Allen）对自己矛盾爱情观的总结性发言。 整部电影感觉更像Woody在饰演自己，这个对矛盾爱情的无奈的发泄过程，既坦诚又自恋，剧中对白诙谐也有启发。《Annie Hall》能夺当年奥斯卡最佳电影，用心的对白与吊诡的叙事方法是其制胜法宝（如：主角直接与屏幕前的观众、路人进行交流...）。电影里的Alvy（或者说Woody自己）语速快如机关枪扫射，就算看翻译字幕也让人略感吃力，但细读下来，又回味无穷。 成也对白，败也对白，Woody戏内总爱引经据典以大抛书包，这种智慧的炫耀、骨子里的渗透着纽约派知识份子的傲慢和咄咄逼人，这又成为不少观众不爱Woody Allen电影的主要理由。 不否认有时知识份子的架子的确让人反感，他们通常抱着悲观主义态度生活，几乎一切都要拿来辩证唯物，否定多数，最后一无所有。开始Alvy（Woody）以为，一对拥有相近思考深度、相似价值观、相同人生追求的男女一起并肩前行，终点便是快乐，但这答案最后被他自己否定。 个人定义的“知识份子”该是“凡具有独立思考能力并愿意鼓励别人一起参予思考的所有人。”然而生活若在经过深思熟虑之后，便不情愿地发现一切都矛盾，矛盾得无论怎样努力，最后都找不到对的，何止爱情？ 历史上出名的哲学家抱悲观主义的十居其九，而知识份子都爱和哲学沾边，做作地彰显自己看人生的通透，然而通透又如何？古语有云心太清则无福，有时知识份子的矛盾可笑，又发人深省。 最后引用电影开首时Alvy说的一个比喻生活的老笑话： 有两位老妇人去卡茨基尔山旅游。 其中一个说：“哎，这地方的食物可真够糟糕的！” 另一个说：“可不是嘛，给的份量又那么少。” 看，我对生活的看法基本上也是如此： 尽管充满了寂寞、痛苦、悲惨、和不幸， 但又觉得一切都逝去得太快。
2 ) 我需要的，只不过是一个安妮霍尔。
其实我在很久之前的一期环球银幕上就见过这个老头，略显傻气的发型配上一副硕大的黑色框架高度近视眼镜，当时留给我的印象并不深刻，直到最近的《午夜巴黎》我去查了电影的资料才反应过来，原来这个老头就是伍迪艾伦。对于有十足文艺范的导演，我总是没有免疫力。
周一去上电影史的时候，老师在跟我们探讨对于一部电影来说，最重要的到底是由光影组成的画面构图，还是演员的对白台词。要拿好莱坞的大片说事，那逼真的特技处理和美轮美奂的场景画面产生强烈的带入感，让观众走进电影院就像是去亲身的经历一场冒险一样，必定是画面占了最主要的地位，而且说实话，由于文化的差异，电影里就算有些让美国人叫好的台词，我们未必能明白它的意义，对于这部《安妮霍尔》也是一样，里面的台词说的太多又太快，是妙语连珠，但观众反应过来，情节就不知道会错过多少了。但最近《失恋33天》的票房奇迹，又让我们不得不反思这个问题，就情节而论，《失恋》实在是太过单薄也太过俗套，也许是小成本制作的原因，整个画面也显得灰蒙蒙的，显然没有精心的去调过色，它出彩的无非就是文章的反串和台词的精彩，这点跟冯小刚式的电影很像。中国人喜欢听段子，那么就用几个精彩的段子把电影拼凑起来，就再对味不过了。
就这样看来，中国人应当是会喜欢这个总爱碎碎念的伍迪艾伦。
影片从艾维辛格的小时候开始讲起，大量的旁白和台词，就像在读一部书一样，一一介绍这是谁，这又是谁，我是个怎样的人，我为什么会养成这样的性格，等到观众无比熟悉了这个主角像认识多年的老朋友一样的时候，后面的情节就好展开了。艾维辛格的三任妻子其实都有一个共性，她们似乎听得懂这个喜剧演员在说什么，她们会与他顺畅的交流而不会打断他，说你是不是太啰嗦了一点，在聊到艺术的时候，这种交流感更加的强烈，虽然全是东一句西一句的说得相当零散，有很多时候，你听他说了一长串话都只是为了说一件事情而且词不达意，这点，在开篇艾维辛格的那一长串自白时就已经相当的明显。他在想他自己是个什么样的人，并将会变成一个什么样的人，这全部的思考和混乱，都是由于安妮霍尔离开他了。
艾维说：“就像巴尔扎克说的：这是一部新的小说。”
安妮回：“很棒是吧？”
艾维：“很棒？是的，岂止很棒，这简直是我获得的不发出笑声的最大乐趣了。”
这段对话其实完全可以省略为艾维说这很棒，安妮回我也觉得。但艾维却长篇废话一通，自以为很幽默的，但重点却是安妮听懂了他在说什么，并且可以理解并享受他的幽默，这点最难能可贵。
艾维是个喜剧演员，很幽默，就连吵架时都会带有幽默感
安妮说：“我没来例假。每次我稍微有点不对劲，你就说我来例假了！ ”
艾维回：“你还可以再喊得响一点，我想那边还有一位没听见。”
还有很多类似的让人忍俊不禁的对白，但他也很会狡辩，安妮要搬进他的公寓，事实上他有百万个不愿意，但他却说事实上是安妮这样想的，但是，他也立刻同意了。他给安妮买了很多本有关于死亡的书，又鼓励她去参加成人教育，以为这样做能让安妮觉得自己很深刻，却让安妮觉得自己被看低了，在这之后他又怀疑安妮跟客座教授有一腿，又百般阻挠安妮去上课。他鼓励安妮大胆的唱歌，说她的嗓音很好听，却在安妮真正被人看上准备与她签约的时候，无比的烦恼。
在很大程度上，也许艾维自己都不知道他想要的安妮是什么样子的，怕她太肤浅太不自信，又害怕她太聪明太耀眼被其他人看上。回归到现实生活中来，也有太多这样的例子，男孩遇上一个没有心机涉世未深的单纯女孩子，就像找到了一块白纸一样，开始把他喜欢的颜色涂上去，等到这块白纸变成一幅美妙的画的时候，女孩却有了更好的未来，于是狠下心来把男孩抛弃，却殊不知失去了男孩以后，她很快又会变成那个没有人在意的白纸。
不得不说的是，有一些人他之所以会那么耀眼，很大原因都在于他遇上了什么人，安妮有很好的思维能力和口才，若不是遇见了艾维，她也许永远都施展不开，艾维有些胆小又喜欢神神叨叨，若不是碰上能听懂她说话又一样大惊小怪的安妮，他也许更多时候都会呈现出无语的状态。
我知道这听起来非常的荒谬以至于无法理解，但事实就是这样，你要遇见了一个跟你合拍的人，生活才会完美，有人懂你的好，那好才会有意义。就算是发神经般的胡闹，只要有个人认为你是正常的，那你就不会显得那么傻了。安妮之于艾维就是这样的人，反过来也一样成立。只是他们在很多时候都不是很清楚自己想要的东西到底是什么，才会如此的迷茫最终错过。
所以，若是你的生命中曾经出现过安妮，那就千万不要让她只是路过，也许在当下你觉得她不够好或是不愿意承认她有那么好，好到你会为了她一通电话，放下一顿刺激的美色大餐，凌晨3点跑到她的公寓里只为了一只看起来硕大无比的蜘蛛，那么就不要因为她的一些缺点或者是一些观念的相左而放弃她，在她变成你想要的样子的时候，在她变得有自己的想法的时候，在她被更多人喜欢的时候，你要做的，就是紧紧的抱住她，告诉她，你有多爱她。
“再一次见到安妮，我真的很高兴。我意识到她是一个多么好的人，能认识她是一件多么有趣的事。我想起了那个老笑话，你知道，有个家伙去看精神病医生，他说：“大夫，我兄弟疯了，他以为他自己是一只鸡。”医生说：“那你怎么不把他带来？”那家伙说：“我是想带他来的，可是我需要鸡蛋呀。”你看，我想这就是现在我对男女之间关系的感觉，你知道，它是完全非理性的、疯狂的，甚至荒谬的，但是我想我们还一直要经历这一切，因为我们大多数人都需要鸡蛋。”
周一去上电影史的时候，老师在跟我们探讨对于一部电影来说，最重要的到底是由光影组成的画面构图，还是演员的对白台词。要拿好莱坞的大片说事，那逼真的特技处理和美轮美奂的场景画面产生强烈的带入感，让观众走进电影院就像是去亲身的经历一场冒险一样，必定是画面占了最主要的地位，而且说实话，由于文化的差异，电影里就算有些让美国人叫好的台词，我们未必能明白它的意义，对于这部《安妮霍尔》也是一样，里面的台词说的太多又太快，是妙语连珠，但观众反应过来，情节就不知道会错过多少了。但最近《失恋33天》的票房奇迹，又让我们不得不反思这个问题，就情节而论，《失恋》实在是太过单薄也太过俗套，也许是小成本制作的原因，整个画面也显得灰蒙蒙的，显然没有精心的去调过色，它出彩的无非就是文章的反串和台词的精彩，这点跟冯小刚式的电影很像。中国人喜欢听段子，那么就用几个精彩的段子把电影拼凑起来，就再对味不过了。
就这样看来，中国人应当是会喜欢这个总爱碎碎念的伍迪艾伦。
影片从艾维辛格的小时候开始讲起，大量的旁白和台词，就像在读一部书一样，一一介绍这是谁，这又是谁，我是个怎样的人，我为什么会养成这样的性格，等到观众无比熟悉了这个主角像认识多年的老朋友一样的时候，后面的情节就好展开了。艾维辛格的三任妻子其实都有一个共性，她们似乎听得懂这个喜剧演员在说什么，她们会与他顺畅的交流而不会打断他，说你是不是太啰嗦了一点，在聊到艺术的时候，这种交流感更加的强烈，虽然全是东一句西一句的说得相当零散，有很多时候，你听他说了一长串话都只是为了说一件事情而且词不达意，这点，在开篇艾维辛格的那一长串自白时就已经相当的明显。他在想他自己是个什么样的人，并将会变成一个什么样的人，这全部的思考和混乱，都是由于安妮霍尔离开他了。
艾维说：“就像巴尔扎克说的：这是一部新的小说。”
安妮回：“很棒是吧？”
艾维：“很棒？是的，岂止很棒，这简直是我获得的不发出笑声的最大乐趣了。”
这段对话其实完全可以省略为艾维说这很棒，安妮回我也觉得。但艾维却长篇废话一通，自以为很幽默的，但重点却是安妮听懂了他在说什么，并且可以理解并享受他的幽默，这点最难能可贵。
艾维是个喜剧演员，很幽默，就连吵架时都会带有幽默感
安妮说：“我没来例假。每次我稍微有点不对劲，你就说我来例假了！ ”
艾维回：“你还可以再喊得响一点，我想那边还有一位没听见。”
还有很多类似的让人忍俊不禁的对白，但他也很会狡辩，安妮要搬进他的公寓，事实上他有百万个不愿意，但他却说事实上是安妮这样想的，但是，他也立刻同意了。他给安妮买了很多本有关于死亡的书，又鼓励她去参加成人教育，以为这样做能让安妮觉得自己很深刻，却让安妮觉得自己被看低了，在这之后他又怀疑安妮跟客座教授有一腿，又百般阻挠安妮去上课。他鼓励安妮大胆的唱歌，说她的嗓音很好听，却在安妮真正被人看上准备与她签约的时候，无比的烦恼。
在很大程度上，也许艾维自己都不知道他想要的安妮是什么样子的，怕她太肤浅太不自信，又害怕她太聪明太耀眼被其他人看上。回归到现实生活中来，也有太多这样的例子，男孩遇上一个没有心机涉世未深的单纯女孩子，就像找到了一块白纸一样，开始把他喜欢的颜色涂上去，等到这块白纸变成一幅美妙的画的时候，女孩却有了更好的未来，于是狠下心来把男孩抛弃，却殊不知失去了男孩以后，她很快又会变成那个没有人在意的白纸。
不得不说的是，有一些人他之所以会那么耀眼，很大原因都在于他遇上了什么人，安妮有很好的思维能力和口才，若不是遇见了艾维，她也许永远都施展不开，艾维有些胆小又喜欢神神叨叨，若不是碰上能听懂她说话又一样大惊小怪的安妮，他也许更多时候都会呈现出无语的状态。
我知道这听起来非常的荒谬以至于无法理解，但事实就是这样，你要遇见了一个跟你合拍的人，生活才会完美，有人懂你的好，那好才会有意义。就算是发神经般的胡闹，只要有个人认为你是正常的，那你就不会显得那么傻了。安妮之于艾维就是这样的人，反过来也一样成立。只是他们在很多时候都不是很清楚自己想要的东西到底是什么，才会如此的迷茫最终错过。
所以，若是你的生命中曾经出现过安妮，那就千万不要让她只是路过，也许在当下你觉得她不够好或是不愿意承认她有那么好，好到你会为了她一通电话，放下一顿刺激的美色大餐，凌晨3点跑到她的公寓里只为了一只看起来硕大无比的蜘蛛，那么就不要因为她的一些缺点或者是一些观念的相左而放弃她，在她变成你想要的样子的时候，在她变得有自己的想法的时候，在她被更多人喜欢的时候，你要做的，就是紧紧的抱住她，告诉她，你有多爱她。
“再一次见到安妮，我真的很高兴。我意识到她是一个多么好的人，能认识她是一件多么有趣的事。我想起了那个老笑话，你知道，有个家伙去看精神病医生，他说：“大夫，我兄弟疯了，他以为他自己是一只鸡。”医生说：“那你怎么不把他带来？”那家伙说：“我是想带他来的，可是我需要鸡蛋呀。”你看，我想这就是现在我对男女之间关系的感觉，你知道，它是完全非理性的、疯狂的，甚至荒谬的，但是我想我们还一直要经历这一切，因为我们大多数人都需要鸡蛋。”
3 ) 其实，艾维.辛格并不理解什么是爱。
我很喜欢伍迪.艾伦的电影风格和拍摄技巧，但我不太喜欢他所表达的东西。
《安妮.霍尔》里的艾维.辛格，年龄偏大，个子矮小，头发稀少，控制欲强，神神叨叨，满嘴弗洛伊德，愤世嫉俗，自命清高，估计性能力也不咋地。我不禁纳闷，生活中会有女人喜欢这样的男人吗？女人们应该对这样的男人避而远之才对啊。我看很多人说因为他是个喜剧演员，比较幽默。但我在影片中看到的是他只能在台上讲着事先写好的无聊段子，逗人一笑罢了，在生活中他却是个不折不扣的无聊的、乏味的、令人讨厌的人。一个神经质、娘们唧唧、自我为中心、只盯着生活的阴暗面、整天抱怨却并不能解决哪怕一点实际问题（害怕蜘蛛和龙虾、连车都不会开）的废物而已。
面目可憎
但伍迪.艾伦是编剧和导演，他怎么意淫都行。于是我们在影片中看到，艾维只是因为在后台不停抱怨自己在另一个单口相声演员之后登场，就能把到一个在我看来十分漂亮的妹子，难道仅仅是因为这个妹子的论文（具体啥题目我忘了）是关于文学和政治之类的狗屁，而艾维.辛格像机关枪一样的嘴里喷出来的都是普通人听也听不懂的文艺理论，于是恰好把妹子听的崇拜不已？而仅仅是因为他与安妮在街边因为一个叫大卫的教授吵了一架，他的朋友给他介绍了另外一个姑娘（谢莉.杜瓦尔演的那个，这妞居然也是闪灵的女主角），叫啥我也忘了，当天晚上就把人家给上了。还有，仅仅是因为安妮跟艾维一起打了场网球，安妮就喜欢上了这个小老头一样的男人，跟他的对话还那么的尴尬。难道这个艾维.辛格是个情圣？但我在影片中丝毫没有感觉到他有什么作为情圣的特质啊。
屁话一堆
好吧，姑且就算他博学，妹子们也觉得他很有趣，一开始崇拜他，然后爱上他，就像安妮那样。但是从影片的走向看，艾维和安妮的最后分手也是注定的。
我喜欢安妮，她是一个正常的女孩，单纯、乐观、大方、率真、对生活充满热情，网球打得不错，车也开地很猛，无非读书不多，但可能这正是她具备上述优点的原因。
美丽单纯
但是艾维嫌弃人家跟他无法神交，于是强迫人家去上成人大学，带人家去看什么纳粹屠杀犹太人的电影（就因为他自己是犹太人），还让人家去读那些关于死亡的狗屁书籍，好让人家能更理解他的精神世界，让他自己不再那么孤独。在我看来，艾维浑身上下都是书读多了的那些“知识分子”身上的臭毛病：迂腐、软弱、情商低、事儿又多、自己啥也干不好还总觉得这也不对，那也不对，谁也瞧不起。好吧，安妮因崇拜他而爱上他（虽然我觉得这事儿并不合逻辑），于是听了他的话，去读了成人大学，可他又嫌弃人家跟教授走得近，于是跟人家吵了一架。吵完之后他看到路边有一对恩爱情侣，于是上前问人家如何这般甜蜜，人家说：可能因为我们比较浅薄吧，我们没什么想法。哈哈，在我看来这个回答真是把艾维.辛格的脸打得啪啪响。一个整天胡乱思考爱情，觉得自己很博学、很有深度的“中产知识分子”，结果却处理不好自己的感情生活，而不去思考这些的人，却能恩爱甜蜜，多讽刺啊？
单纯碾压了复杂
安妮想跟他住在一起，他不愿意，觉得自己的私人空间受到了打扰；安妮有唱歌梦，而且也得到了唱片公司老板的赏识，艾维却出于私心，不让安妮去参加人家的聚会（即使他之前鼓励过安妮，我认为那也是他为了得到安妮的权宜之计）；安妮跟他一起去西海岸，喜欢上了那里，他又因为自己不想离开纽约，反对人家追求自己的梦。但是最后安妮终究有了自己的意识，她终于明白，自己跟艾维不是一路人，两个人是不可能在一起的，所以她勇敢地离开了他去追求自己更有意义的生活。艾维后悔了，他又去西海岸找安妮，想挽回安妮并且要安妮同意跟他结婚，安妮拒绝了。说实话，我看的时候好害怕安妮会答应，但安妮果断拒绝并开车离开了，我松了一口气。
果断离去
安妮作出了对的选择。即使她以后事业不一定成功，即使她又回到纽约，我也认为她以后的生活比跟艾维.辛格在一起更有意义。
其实，艾维.辛格并不理解什么是爱。
影片的开始和最后，他的独白和他讲的那几个笑话（虽然并不好笑），都把责任归咎给了生活和爱情本身，说什么爱情本来就是这样复杂，我们每个人都知道爱情复杂无常，但还是需要爱情。我觉得这是不公平的。
还是屁话
艾维.辛格自私、迂腐、神经质、胆小懦弱、自命不凡、讨厌新事物，为自己犹太人的身份感到自卑，他时时刻刻需要控制自己的女伴，否则就会感到不安。他跟安妮在河边大桥下散步时，安妮说爱他，他也说爱人家，甚至说：“爱这个字不足以表达我对你的感情”。但实际上他是怎么做的，大家都有目共睹。他以自我为中心，讨厌跟自己意见不同的人，讨厌那些比自己学识高的人，也讨厌那些没有学识的人，他甚至讨厌他自己。
时时的不安与自卑
生活和爱情并没有错，它们没有义务为某个人的愚蠢而背锅。世界上生活幸福、爱情和谐的人有很多。像艾维.辛格这样的人，根本没有资格把自己处理不好生活和爱情的责任甩到生活和爱情身上。他这样的怪人，生活和爱情怎么会好呢？他并不应该整天觉得自己有多深刻，而是应该正视自己的缺点，把自己变成一个正常人（就像他在街边遇到的那对“浅薄但恩爱”的情侣），再来重新思考生活和爱情的意义。
说实话，以前的我，非常像艾维.辛格，我在看这部电影时，感到电影讽刺的就是以前的我。但我没有艾维.辛格那样幸运，至少他还能把到几个漂亮妹子。而我直到30岁时，才意识到自己满身的缺点，进行了深刻地反思并且重塑了自己的价值观，才谈了我人生中的第一场恋爱。但幸运的是，我第一次恋爱就遇到了我的真爱，并且结婚生子。
什么是爱，我在30岁时才彻底明白：爱不是索取、控制、满足欲望或者一时冲动；爱是自律，是付出，是包容，是牺牲。一段好的爱情，当然需要神交，而且神交确实比性交重要，但这并不意味着别人就要完全按照你的意志去做。一段好的爱情，应该让双方都变得更好、更自信才对，最好能够互相欣赏。
抱怨和指责并不会解决爱情中产生的问题，爱情需要努力地经营。电影《七宗罪》里，摩根.弗里曼说：挣钱比花钱要难，教育小孩比打骂小孩要难，经营婚姻比离婚要难，爱费心费力，并且成本高昂，需要努力和坚持才行。
这段话很深刻，对我影响很大
而艾维.辛格显然并不理解这些，他自私，不包容，不愿意为别人牺牲，只在乎他自己的感受。
其实，伍迪.艾伦也可能并不理解什么是爱。
《安妮.霍尔》是部半自传电影，我觉得艾维.辛格其实很像伍迪.艾伦自己，而电影里艾维.辛格的毛病也可能就是伍迪艾伦自己身上的毛病，艾维.辛格对于两性的观点很大一部分也是伍迪艾伦自己的观点。电影里对艾维.辛格这类人，与其说是讽刺，还不如说是自嘲。
伍迪艾伦之前结了两次婚，都离了。他也交往了好几任女友，米娅法罗甚至为他生了俩儿子，但最后还是分手。后来他甚至娶了自己的养女。而在之前的ME TOO运动中，伍迪艾伦也卷入其中，甚至曝出他猥亵七岁女童的新闻。而我坚信，一个懂得什么是爱的男人不会是这样的人生。一个人事业上的成功并不能说明他的心智和品德都是成熟的。一个导演，导出来的片子很成功，也不能说明他在影片里表达的观点就总是对的。
最后我要说，我非常喜欢这部电影的拍摄手法，比如伍迪艾伦直接对着镜头跟观众讲话；排队时跟别人辩论时直接把书的作者从广告牌后面拉出来；老师批评年幼的艾维时，成年艾维突然出现在座位上；跟骑警表达自己观点时插入白雪公主的卡通；跟安妮讲述自己童年经历时，直接把画面呈现给现在的自己。这些拍摄手法真是富有想象力，到现在都不过时。还有，1977年，我们国家WENGE刚结束，而人家美国就已经是电影里那样了，差距啊。
所以，我喜欢伍迪艾伦这部电影的风格和拍摄技巧，但我不喜欢他所表达的东西。
4 ) 爱总是一个太柔弱的词
伍迪艾伦在他的著作《门萨的娼妓》中曾做了这样的设想，他专为高智商的知识分子们设计了一种娼妓服务。这些娼妓拥有高深的文学造诣，能够为“门萨们”提供精神交欢的需求。他们可以畅谈学术，可以聊一聊象征主义，甚至可以将梅尔维尔和霍桑上升到比较文学的范畴，以补偿他们在享受男女肉体欢乐中所缺失的精神交流。这是伍迪艾伦的美好愿望：一种精神和肉体双重享受的男女关系新模式。
知识分子总是在寻找着一种性灵契合的爱情。但是徘徊之后才恍然发现，完美的爱情根本不存在，男女关系总是非理性、疯狂甚至是荒谬的。但是“就像鸡需要鸡蛋一样，人们还是需要这一切”。伍迪艾伦可不接受好莱坞的空洞华丽，他可能是这个世界上为数不多的坚定的怀疑论者之一。或者就如电影中安妮说的那样：不信任这个世界，看什么都像是有阴谋。
伍迪艾伦本人和片子中的埃尔维如出一辙。这也是一部被称为他半自传式的电影。埃尔维就是这样的一个人：犹太人、喜剧演员，喋喋不休的完美主义者、怀疑论者，有过两次失败的婚姻。电影的主线落在他的第三段爱情上，那是关于安妮霍尔的故事。
安妮这样的女人确实有魅力。埃尔维与她初次相识是在网球场上。她是那种能把礼帽、领带、夹克和衬衫穿出时尚的女人。紧张的时候会爆出有趣的调子。他们一见钟情，但埃尔维有他知识分子的古怪习性，希望安妮与他在肉体的亲密之外有更过精神世界的交流。于是他成为了安妮的精神导师，在它们的关系中因为他们导向性的优势，他牢牢地握着安妮以及重新塑造她的乐趣。而她为他的见地而倾倒，她愿意随他的意志去完善其身。
只是，爱情由浓转淡是多么容易的事，和茶由热转凉一样是在一瞬间，即使埃尔维也清楚地知道“爱本来就是一个太柔弱的词汇”。他们渐渐对彼此不满，生活中充斥着争论。安妮在完善自我中，得到了许多埃尔维也始料未及的收获。她与她在大学旁听的文学课程的教室亲密起来，她的唱歌事业也有了起色，世界也变得丰富起来。她变得有想法、有观点，而埃尔维纠结于他给予的指引带来了安妮所拥有的一切。他们争吵，最终分开。其实，他们自己和我们任何人一样都清楚地明了“爱会消退”的道理。
这是一次对爱情的检索，在它最想要达到的那个境界中，它失败了。如伍迪艾伦说的：它是那种以争吵不休、相互怨恨、变得尖刻而告终的分手----它是以两人之间形成了美好而温暖的朋友关系而告终的。那或许也算是某种形式的补偿。在人们兴致勃勃于占据绝对主导的美好爱情故事面前，伍迪艾伦的电影抛出的是毫不留情的剖析，没有完美的假象，只有生活的真实。他的观点里或许是没有爱情这种东西的存在，或者，爱情本来就是一瞬间的，从不长久存在。这个坚定的怀疑论者只信任性和死亡。如果三分之二的婚姻是惯性的使然，只有余下的三分之一是爱情，那么我们都还走在寻觅的途中，就像“大多数人都需要鸡蛋”一样。
知识分子总是在寻找着一种性灵契合的爱情。但是徘徊之后才恍然发现，完美的爱情根本不存在，男女关系总是非理性、疯狂甚至是荒谬的。但是“就像鸡需要鸡蛋一样，人们还是需要这一切”。伍迪艾伦可不接受好莱坞的空洞华丽，他可能是这个世界上为数不多的坚定的怀疑论者之一。或者就如电影中安妮说的那样：不信任这个世界，看什么都像是有阴谋。
伍迪艾伦本人和片子中的埃尔维如出一辙。这也是一部被称为他半自传式的电影。埃尔维就是这样的一个人：犹太人、喜剧演员，喋喋不休的完美主义者、怀疑论者，有过两次失败的婚姻。电影的主线落在他的第三段爱情上，那是关于安妮霍尔的故事。
安妮这样的女人确实有魅力。埃尔维与她初次相识是在网球场上。她是那种能把礼帽、领带、夹克和衬衫穿出时尚的女人。紧张的时候会爆出有趣的调子。他们一见钟情，但埃尔维有他知识分子的古怪习性，希望安妮与他在肉体的亲密之外有更过精神世界的交流。于是他成为了安妮的精神导师，在它们的关系中因为他们导向性的优势，他牢牢地握着安妮以及重新塑造她的乐趣。而她为他的见地而倾倒，她愿意随他的意志去完善其身。
只是，爱情由浓转淡是多么容易的事，和茶由热转凉一样是在一瞬间，即使埃尔维也清楚地知道“爱本来就是一个太柔弱的词汇”。他们渐渐对彼此不满，生活中充斥着争论。安妮在完善自我中，得到了许多埃尔维也始料未及的收获。她与她在大学旁听的文学课程的教室亲密起来，她的唱歌事业也有了起色，世界也变得丰富起来。她变得有想法、有观点，而埃尔维纠结于他给予的指引带来了安妮所拥有的一切。他们争吵，最终分开。其实，他们自己和我们任何人一样都清楚地明了“爱会消退”的道理。
这是一次对爱情的检索，在它最想要达到的那个境界中，它失败了。如伍迪艾伦说的：它是那种以争吵不休、相互怨恨、变得尖刻而告终的分手----它是以两人之间形成了美好而温暖的朋友关系而告终的。那或许也算是某种形式的补偿。在人们兴致勃勃于占据绝对主导的美好爱情故事面前，伍迪艾伦的电影抛出的是毫不留情的剖析，没有完美的假象，只有生活的真实。他的观点里或许是没有爱情这种东西的存在，或者，爱情本来就是一瞬间的，从不长久存在。这个坚定的怀疑论者只信任性和死亡。如果三分之二的婚姻是惯性的使然，只有余下的三分之一是爱情，那么我们都还走在寻觅的途中，就像“大多数人都需要鸡蛋”一样。
5 ) 虚幻的危机——从伍迪·艾伦的《安妮·霍尔》到《丈夫和妻子》
男人的自信建立在与各种不同类型的女人的接触，以及这些女人们对他的接受程度之上。——索尔·贝娄
秃顶、性能力减退、觉得生活无意义、开始关注死亡——典型的伍迪·艾伦式的中年危机象征。很难想象，伍迪·艾伦的中年危机感从42岁拍《安妮·霍尔》开始（也许更早）一直持续到57岁时拍《丈夫和妻子》（也许会一直持续下去）。
在1977年拍摄的《安妮·霍尔》中，伍迪·艾伦扮演一个高明的喜剧演员阿尔维（Alvy），他非常幽默，见解精辟，对女人很有吸引力。他初次遇见安妮·霍尔是在网球场上，安妮显然对他一见钟情。和阿尔维的前两任太太不同（第一任是一个毫无情趣的剧场工作人员，第二任是一个热衷于社交却毫不关心正常生活的做作的女人），年轻的安妮显得纯真、质朴而不乏个性（她居然可以穿衬衫、马甲、打领带）。阿尔维很快便和安妮陷入热恋中。
成熟渊博的阿尔维立刻成为了安妮的精神向导，他推荐她看书（全是关于死亡主题的，因为那是阿尔维最关心的话题）；建议她去大学旁听文学课以提高修养；总是带她去看同一部战争电影（阿尔维是犹太人，每次看这部电影都会潸然泪下）；他去酒吧听安妮唱歌，并给她鼓励……安妮很崇拜阿尔维。在恋爱关系开始不久后，她想搬去和阿尔维同住。她的想法遭到了抵制情绪，阿尔维并不想和她同居，而是保持一种游刃有余的状态。“如果住在一起，那和结婚有什么区别呢？”这时阿尔维显然居于情感的上峰，他对自己中年男人的魅力充满了自信，他确信安妮在情感上完全臣服于自己，而他不想把自己束缚在单调的家庭生活中。
不久，情况发生了改变。危机悄悄从暗处浮出水面。首先阿尔维发现安妮在每次作爱前总是要吸大麻，她说她须要借此放松，而他认为她不能全身心投入。然后他发现她和大学教授“打得火热”（而正是他建议她去旁听大学课程），于是他跟踪并质问她，得到的回答却是“是你不想做出承诺，是你要求保持互不干涉的关系！”这时阿尔维觉得事情渐渐开始逃逸于自己的掌握之外——他不再是一个控制者。
安妮在酒吧的歌唱事业有了起色，她开始有仰慕者，开始参加派对，开始表达自己的想法，开始和阿尔维争吵。最终他们决裂，安妮去了加州发展自己的事业（也许是开始一段新恋情）。安妮的离去，使得阿尔维彻底陷入了瘫痪状态。他无法思考，对自己失去信心，终于，他决定去加州找回安妮。一见到安妮，他就开始装可怜，诉说自己身体如何不适，想以此来达到效果（安妮也曾经在两人的冷战中装可怜，在寂寞的夜里以浴室里有巨大的蜘蛛为由骗阿尔维来看望她，阿尔维也非常配合），可是安妮毫不理会；他提出结婚请求安妮回到身边，可是安妮显然已经有了自己的生活，最终两人不欢而散。
后来阿尔维常常在不同的场合看见安妮卖弄着从他这里批发来的高明见解，可是那已经是一个独立的安妮，和他再也没有什么关系了。而他总也搞不清楚为什么安妮和他分了手。
至此，伍迪·艾伦在影片开头的独白中所谓的危机感得以层层剥落、凸显。一旦感受到危机，就会对很多东西产生不信任，对身边的人不信任，对自己不信任，阿尔维显然还没有学会适应和处理危机。到了1992年拍摄的《丈夫和妻子》，这种危机感成为更为现实的一种生活化描述。危机感不再是一种虚无飘渺的焦虑引申（例如谢顶），而是切实的对现有生活丧失信任。
Gabe和Judy、Jack和Sally是两对夫妇，而且是密友。Gabe（伍迪·艾伦扮演）是一位大学教授业余从事小说创作，他怀疑妻子为了生孩子而偷偷不吃避孕药（明显的不信任），而他的妻子Judy总是觉得丈夫不再爱自己，因为生活过于平淡，一如既往，没有新鲜感。所以，Gabe和一个聪明的学生Rain眉来眼去（而Rain病态地只倾向于老男人），Judy爱上了高大帅气的同事Michael。
Jack一直是一个忠于家庭的安稳的丈夫（虽然一直觉得妻子Sally在性生活上很冷淡），直到有一天他的朋友给了介绍了一位电话女郎（美国的高价妓女）。一度风流过后，他再也不想过平板无味的生活，于是开始和一位性感的健美女教练交往。Sally在一次偶然的机会中发现了丈夫的不忠，从此自尊心受到了打击，声称要过单身生活。
然而，当每个人都脱离原有生活轨道去寻求新的刺激时，却又产生了新的落差。
Gabe认为Rain是个不凡的学生，他非常在意甚至是迷信她对自己作品的看法，可是一次乘出租车，Rain竟然把Gabe的小说忘在了车上。当他们终于找到小说时，敏感的Gabe已经产生了危机感（在片中有一个小细节，出租车司机以为Rain是Gabe的漂亮女儿，这是一个很明显的中年危机暗示）。Rain邀请Gabe去参加她的二十一岁生日派对，那天下着雷雨，突然停电了，Rain和Gabe就躲到了阁楼上，Rain想引诱Gabe，可是Gabe却被某种莫名的压迫感包围，他不停担心闪电会劈死自己，他表现得惴惴不安、举止失常，最后，他冒雨离开了。后来，他和Judy离了婚。Judy和Michael结了婚，但也并非一帆风顺。Judy生性恬退隐忍、以退为进，她很中意Michael，却把他介绍给了刚刚受到情感挫折的好友Sally。在Michael和Sally的交往过程中，她一直扮演一个旁观者，看着别人的幸福，将自己置于尴尬之境。最后Sally和前夫复婚，Judy才得以和Michael结婚。表面上她是以退为进的赢家，其实又何尝不是被琐屑的生活、逝去的魅力困扰着。
比较戏剧化的是Sally和Jack这对夫妇。Jack在离婚后很快地投入了短暂而“幸福”的生活，他和健美教练好上了，而且认为自己找到了真正的归宿。可是不久，他就发现了健美教练是个没有头脑、庸俗无聊的女人，完全不能融入他的圈子，而且死缠烂打。这让他根本无法忍受（伍迪·艾伦经常用撞车来表现情绪的失控和困境，在《安妮·霍尔》中，阿尔维在安妮离去时想发动汽车追安妮，却不停地与停在四周的汽车相撞；Jack面对歇斯底里的健美教练时亦然）。于是他冲回了原来的家，要求与Sally复合。Sally虽然接受了Judy为她介绍的Michael，但始终没有从婚姻的挫折中恢复过来，她认为Jack爱她，但是又丝毫不能忍受Jack和别的女人来往。在他们离婚后，她一度摆出单身的姿态，但那只是姿态，她知道自己需要一个人陪伴。所以，当Jack道歉后，她又回到了他身边。他们开始学会互相协调，开始准备相伴到老，他们明白生活不可能尽善尽美，他们只能向无法解决的性问题妥协以换得平静的生活。
人必须克服危机，这是生命的要求。即使丧失了对生活的信任，人还是得生活。大家在躲避危机的时候，兜了一个大圈子，最后发现只有和危机相融合，将危机视为必然，才能和危机和睦相处。这是从《安妮·霍尔》到《丈夫和妻子》的发展。
有趣的是，不管伍迪·艾伦在电影中是怎样的尽心尽力从不同角度叙述那种无所不在的叫做“危机”的东西，在现实生活中，伍迪·艾伦好像从未被危机感打倒。从露易丝·拉瑟到黛安·基顿，到与他同居十一年的米亚·法萝（《丈夫和妻子》中Judy的扮演者），他把私人生活和演艺事业结合得极为紧密，而且无往不利。年龄、秃顶、性欲减退都不是问题，在他渐入老境之际，他仍然扮演着控制者的角色——与米亚·法萝分手，和他们俩收养的韩国女孩结婚。他也许会经常受到危机的困扰，但是，那只是暂时的，过段时间一切都会好起来，就像Gabe总得写一部新的小说一样。在电影中他对危机作细致入微的分析，使得他在生活中可以对危机这个东西享有绝对的主动权。
http://www.blogcn.com//user62/artcenter/blog/25017172.html
秃顶、性能力减退、觉得生活无意义、开始关注死亡——典型的伍迪·艾伦式的中年危机象征。很难想象，伍迪·艾伦的中年危机感从42岁拍《安妮·霍尔》开始（也许更早）一直持续到57岁时拍《丈夫和妻子》（也许会一直持续下去）。
在1977年拍摄的《安妮·霍尔》中，伍迪·艾伦扮演一个高明的喜剧演员阿尔维（Alvy），他非常幽默，见解精辟，对女人很有吸引力。他初次遇见安妮·霍尔是在网球场上，安妮显然对他一见钟情。和阿尔维的前两任太太不同（第一任是一个毫无情趣的剧场工作人员，第二任是一个热衷于社交却毫不关心正常生活的做作的女人），年轻的安妮显得纯真、质朴而不乏个性（她居然可以穿衬衫、马甲、打领带）。阿尔维很快便和安妮陷入热恋中。
成熟渊博的阿尔维立刻成为了安妮的精神向导，他推荐她看书（全是关于死亡主题的，因为那是阿尔维最关心的话题）；建议她去大学旁听文学课以提高修养；总是带她去看同一部战争电影（阿尔维是犹太人，每次看这部电影都会潸然泪下）；他去酒吧听安妮唱歌，并给她鼓励……安妮很崇拜阿尔维。在恋爱关系开始不久后，她想搬去和阿尔维同住。她的想法遭到了抵制情绪，阿尔维并不想和她同居，而是保持一种游刃有余的状态。“如果住在一起，那和结婚有什么区别呢？”这时阿尔维显然居于情感的上峰，他对自己中年男人的魅力充满了自信，他确信安妮在情感上完全臣服于自己，而他不想把自己束缚在单调的家庭生活中。
不久，情况发生了改变。危机悄悄从暗处浮出水面。首先阿尔维发现安妮在每次作爱前总是要吸大麻，她说她须要借此放松，而他认为她不能全身心投入。然后他发现她和大学教授“打得火热”（而正是他建议她去旁听大学课程），于是他跟踪并质问她，得到的回答却是“是你不想做出承诺，是你要求保持互不干涉的关系！”这时阿尔维觉得事情渐渐开始逃逸于自己的掌握之外——他不再是一个控制者。
安妮在酒吧的歌唱事业有了起色，她开始有仰慕者，开始参加派对，开始表达自己的想法，开始和阿尔维争吵。最终他们决裂，安妮去了加州发展自己的事业（也许是开始一段新恋情）。安妮的离去，使得阿尔维彻底陷入了瘫痪状态。他无法思考，对自己失去信心，终于，他决定去加州找回安妮。一见到安妮，他就开始装可怜，诉说自己身体如何不适，想以此来达到效果（安妮也曾经在两人的冷战中装可怜，在寂寞的夜里以浴室里有巨大的蜘蛛为由骗阿尔维来看望她，阿尔维也非常配合），可是安妮毫不理会；他提出结婚请求安妮回到身边，可是安妮显然已经有了自己的生活，最终两人不欢而散。
后来阿尔维常常在不同的场合看见安妮卖弄着从他这里批发来的高明见解，可是那已经是一个独立的安妮，和他再也没有什么关系了。而他总也搞不清楚为什么安妮和他分了手。
至此，伍迪·艾伦在影片开头的独白中所谓的危机感得以层层剥落、凸显。一旦感受到危机，就会对很多东西产生不信任，对身边的人不信任，对自己不信任，阿尔维显然还没有学会适应和处理危机。到了1992年拍摄的《丈夫和妻子》，这种危机感成为更为现实的一种生活化描述。危机感不再是一种虚无飘渺的焦虑引申（例如谢顶），而是切实的对现有生活丧失信任。
Gabe和Judy、Jack和Sally是两对夫妇，而且是密友。Gabe（伍迪·艾伦扮演）是一位大学教授业余从事小说创作，他怀疑妻子为了生孩子而偷偷不吃避孕药（明显的不信任），而他的妻子Judy总是觉得丈夫不再爱自己，因为生活过于平淡，一如既往，没有新鲜感。所以，Gabe和一个聪明的学生Rain眉来眼去（而Rain病态地只倾向于老男人），Judy爱上了高大帅气的同事Michael。
Jack一直是一个忠于家庭的安稳的丈夫（虽然一直觉得妻子Sally在性生活上很冷淡），直到有一天他的朋友给了介绍了一位电话女郎（美国的高价妓女）。一度风流过后，他再也不想过平板无味的生活，于是开始和一位性感的健美女教练交往。Sally在一次偶然的机会中发现了丈夫的不忠，从此自尊心受到了打击，声称要过单身生活。
然而，当每个人都脱离原有生活轨道去寻求新的刺激时，却又产生了新的落差。
Gabe认为Rain是个不凡的学生，他非常在意甚至是迷信她对自己作品的看法，可是一次乘出租车，Rain竟然把Gabe的小说忘在了车上。当他们终于找到小说时，敏感的Gabe已经产生了危机感（在片中有一个小细节，出租车司机以为Rain是Gabe的漂亮女儿，这是一个很明显的中年危机暗示）。Rain邀请Gabe去参加她的二十一岁生日派对，那天下着雷雨，突然停电了，Rain和Gabe就躲到了阁楼上，Rain想引诱Gabe，可是Gabe却被某种莫名的压迫感包围，他不停担心闪电会劈死自己，他表现得惴惴不安、举止失常，最后，他冒雨离开了。后来，他和Judy离了婚。Judy和Michael结了婚，但也并非一帆风顺。Judy生性恬退隐忍、以退为进，她很中意Michael，却把他介绍给了刚刚受到情感挫折的好友Sally。在Michael和Sally的交往过程中，她一直扮演一个旁观者，看着别人的幸福，将自己置于尴尬之境。最后Sally和前夫复婚，Judy才得以和Michael结婚。表面上她是以退为进的赢家，其实又何尝不是被琐屑的生活、逝去的魅力困扰着。
比较戏剧化的是Sally和Jack这对夫妇。Jack在离婚后很快地投入了短暂而“幸福”的生活，他和健美教练好上了，而且认为自己找到了真正的归宿。可是不久，他就发现了健美教练是个没有头脑、庸俗无聊的女人，完全不能融入他的圈子，而且死缠烂打。这让他根本无法忍受（伍迪·艾伦经常用撞车来表现情绪的失控和困境，在《安妮·霍尔》中，阿尔维在安妮离去时想发动汽车追安妮，却不停地与停在四周的汽车相撞；Jack面对歇斯底里的健美教练时亦然）。于是他冲回了原来的家，要求与Sally复合。Sally虽然接受了Judy为她介绍的Michael，但始终没有从婚姻的挫折中恢复过来，她认为Jack爱她，但是又丝毫不能忍受Jack和别的女人来往。在他们离婚后，她一度摆出单身的姿态，但那只是姿态，她知道自己需要一个人陪伴。所以，当Jack道歉后，她又回到了他身边。他们开始学会互相协调，开始准备相伴到老，他们明白生活不可能尽善尽美，他们只能向无法解决的性问题妥协以换得平静的生活。
人必须克服危机，这是生命的要求。即使丧失了对生活的信任，人还是得生活。大家在躲避危机的时候，兜了一个大圈子，最后发现只有和危机相融合，将危机视为必然，才能和危机和睦相处。这是从《安妮·霍尔》到《丈夫和妻子》的发展。
有趣的是，不管伍迪·艾伦在电影中是怎样的尽心尽力从不同角度叙述那种无所不在的叫做“危机”的东西，在现实生活中，伍迪·艾伦好像从未被危机感打倒。从露易丝·拉瑟到黛安·基顿，到与他同居十一年的米亚·法萝（《丈夫和妻子》中Judy的扮演者），他把私人生活和演艺事业结合得极为紧密，而且无往不利。年龄、秃顶、性欲减退都不是问题，在他渐入老境之际，他仍然扮演着控制者的角色——与米亚·法萝分手，和他们俩收养的韩国女孩结婚。他也许会经常受到危机的困扰，但是，那只是暂时的，过段时间一切都会好起来，就像Gabe总得写一部新的小说一样。在电影中他对危机作细致入微的分析，使得他在生活中可以对危机这个东西享有绝对的主动权。
http://www.blogcn.com//user62/artcenter/blog/25017172.html
6 ) 英文台词
There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort -One of 'em says, “The food at this place is really terrible.” -The other one says, “Yeah, I know. And such small portions.” -That's essentially how I feel about life -Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness -And it's all over much too quickly -The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx -I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. -It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing. I would never wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member -That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women -Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind -Cos I turned , and I guess I'm going through a life crisis -I'm not worried about ageing. Although I'm balding slightly on top -That's about the worst you can say about me -I think I'm gonna get better as I get older -I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type -as opposed to, say, the distinguished grey, for instance -Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth -who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag -screaming about socialism -Annie and I broke up. And I still can't get my mind around that -I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind -examining my life, and trying to figure out - where did the screwup come? -A year ago we were… in love, you know -And… It's funny… I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character -I… I… You know… -I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess -I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II -He's been depressed. All of a sudden he can't do anything -- Why are you depressed, Alvy? - Tell Dr Flicker -It's something he read -Something he read, uh? -- The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding? -The universe is everything. If it's expanding, someday it will break apart -and that will be the end of everything -What is that your business? -He stopped doing his homework -- What's the point? - What has the universe got to do with it? -You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding! -It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy -And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here, uh? -My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories. -But I was brought up under the roller coaster -in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. -Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous. -I have a hyperactive imagination. -My mind tends to jump around a little. -I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. -My father ran the bumper car concession. -There he is. -And there I am. -I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. -I remember the staff at our public school. -We had a saying: “Those who can”t do, teach, -and those who can“t teach, teach gym.” -And those who couldnt do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. -I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. -Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face. -And Henrietta Farrell. Just Miss perfect all the time. -And lvan Ackerman. Always the wrong answer. Always. -Seven and three is nine -Even then, I knew they were just jerks. -In I had already discovered women. -He kissed me! He kissed me! -That's the second time this month! Step up here -- What did I do? - Step up here! -You should be ashamed of yourself -Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity -Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds -I did -For God's sakes, Alvy! Even Freud speaks of a latency period -Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it -Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy -Tell the folks where you are today -I run a profitable dress company -Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today. -I'm president of the pinkus plumbing Company -I sell tallises -I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict -I'm into leather -I lost track of most of my schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. -They did not take me in the army. I was… Interestingly enough… I was -p -In the event of war, I'm a hostage -You always only saw the worst in people -You never could get along with anyone in school -You were always out of step with the world -Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world -I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, “Jew.” -You're crazy -We were walking off the tennis court. Him and me and his wife -He looked at her and they both looked at me. And under his breath he said, “Jew.” -Alvy, you're a total paranoid -I pick up on those kinda things -I was having lunch with some guys from NBC. So I said, “Did you eat yet or what?” -And Tom Christie said, “No. D'you?” -Not “Did you”. “D'you eat?” “D'you?” -Not “Did you eat?” but “D'you eat?” “Jew?” You get it? “Jew eat?” -- Max… - Stop calling me Max -Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything -I was in a record store. There's this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy -looking at me in a funny way and saying, “We have a sale this week on Wagner.” -Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's really trying to tell me, very significantly -Right, Max -California, Max -- Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it -We move to sunny LA. All of show business is there -No. I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage -is that you can make a right turn on a red light -Forget it. Aren't you late for meeting Annie? -I'm meeting her at the Beekman. I have a few minutes -Are you on television? -Once in a while. Occasionally -- What's your name? - You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter -You were on the… uh… The Johnny Carson, right? -Once in a while, you know -What's your name? -I'm… I'm Robert Redford -Come on! -Alvy Singer. It was nice… Thanks very much for everything -Hey! -What? -This is Alvy Singer! -Fellas, you know… -This guy's on television. Alvy Singer? Am I right? -- Give me a break. - This guy's on television -I need a large polo mallet -- Who's on television? - On The Johnny Carson Show. -Is this a meeting of the Teamsters? -- What programme? - Can I have your autograph? -- You don't want my autograph. - No, I do. It's for my girlfriend -Make it out to Ralph -- Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - It's for my brudder -You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star? -Alvy Singer over here! -It's all right, fellas -Jesus! What did you do? Come by way of the panama Canal? -- I'm in a bad mood. - I'm here with the cast of The Godfather. -- You have to learn to deal with it. - I'm dealing with guys named Cheech! -please. I have a headache, all right? -You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period -Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think I'm getting my period! -A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it -- Has the picture started? - It started two minutes ago -That's it. Forget it. I can't go in -- Two minutes, Alvy. - I can't do it. We've blown it already -I can't go in in the middle -We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish -- You wanna get coffee for two hours? - Two hours? No. I'm going in -- Go ahead. Goodbye. - While we're talking, we could be inside -Can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed -All right. So what do you wanna do? -I don't know now. You wanna go to another movie? -Let's go see The Sorrow and the pity. -Come on. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis -Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish -Cos… Cos I'm anal -That's a polite word for what you are -We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best -It lacks a cohesive structure -You get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say -I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker -Granted, La Strada was a great film. Great in its use of negative imagery -I can't stand this guy. I'm gonna have a stroke -Well, stop listening to him -He's screaming his opinions in my ear -Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon. -I found it incredibly… indulgent -He really is. He's one of the most indulgent filmmakers -The key word here is indulgent -Without getting… -- What are you depressed about? - I missed my therapy. I overslept -- How can you possibly oversleep? - The alarm clock -Do you know what a hostile gesture that is to me? -I know. Because of our sexual problem, right? -Everybody at The New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse? -It's like Samuel Beckett -I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level -- I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level. - Stop it, Alvy! -He's spitting on my neck. He's spitting on my neck when he talks -You know, you're so egocentric that if I miss my therapy -you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you. -Weltanschauung is what it is -probably on their first date -probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. -Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman -who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy -Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn -OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem. OK? My sexual problem -I never read that. That was a Henry James novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw? -It's the influence of television -Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high… -high intensity. You understand? A hot medium… -What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it -What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind? -Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country -Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? -The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan -Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture. -So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan have a great deal of validity -Oh, do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here -Just let me… Come over here a second -I heard what you were saying -You know nothing of my work -You mean my whole fallacy is wrong -How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing -Boy, if life were only like this! -June th, . The German army occupies paris. -All over the country, people are desperate for every available scrap of news. -Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave -To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much -Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture -The Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card -and you'd tell 'em everything -That movie makes me feel guilty -Yeah, cos it's supposed to -Alvy… -What? What… What's the matter? -I don't… I don't know -It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time -Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice -There's always an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy -When we first started going out, we had sex constantly -We're probably in the Guinness Book of World Records. -Alvy, it'll pass. I'm going through a phase. That's all -You've been married before. You know how things can get -You were very hot for Allison at first -You're on right after Chris Brown, which looks about minutes -Excuse me. When do I go on? -Who are you? -Alvy Singer -I'm a comedian -Oh, comedian. Yeah -Oh. You're on next -What do you mean, next? I'm… -You're on right after this act -No, it can't be. Because he's a comic -Yes -- You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not? -No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on after another comedian -It's OK -No. Because they're laughing. So I'd… rather not -Will you relax? They're gonna love you -I'd prefer not to. Look. They're laughing at him -They're gonna laugh at him then I gotta go out -I gotta get laughs too. How much can they laugh? -- They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right? -Jesus! -What's your name? -Allison -Yeah? -Allison what? -portchnik -- That's nice. - Thank you -Allison portchnik -So, what are you telling me? You work for Stevenson all the time or what? -No. I'm in the midst of doing my thesis -On what? -political Commitment in th-Century Literature. -You're like… New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual -Central park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps? -The father with the Ben Shahn drawings? The really strike-oriented… -Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself -No. That was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype -Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left -I have to go out there. Say something encouraging. Quickly -- I think you're cute. - Do you? -Go ahead -I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally cos… -I'm not essentially a political comedian at all -I interestingly had… dated a woman -in the Eisenhower administration briefly -And it was ironic to me cos… -Cos I was trying to do to her -what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years -I'm sorry. I can't go through with this -I can't get it off my mind, Allison. It's obsessing me -I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention -But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository -and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound -So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? -It doesn't make sense! -I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough -to hit a moving target at that range -But… -if there was a second assassin… -- That's it! - We've been through this -They recovered the shells from that rifle -OK. What are you saying now? -Everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right? -Well, why not? -Yeah. Earl Warren? -Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren -Lyndon Johnson? -Lyndon Johnson is a politician! You know the ethics those guys have -It's like a notch underneath child molester -Then everybody's in on the conspiracy -The FBI and the CIA and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies -and the pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House -I would leave out the men's room attendant -You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me -Oh, my God! -She's right -Why did I turn off Allison portchnik? -She was beautiful, she was willing, she was real intelligent -Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I just don't wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member? -Alvy, don't panic! please stop it! -It's a mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house -Stop it! Go for that one there -Maybe we should call the police. Dial . It's the lobster squad -They're only baby ones, for God's sakes -- If they're only babies, you pick 'em up. - All right! All right! -- Here you go! - Don't give it to me! Don't! -Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator -It'll turn up in our bed at night -Will you get out of here with that thing? Jesus! -Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish -Hey, look. put it in the pot -I can't put it in the pot! I can't put a live thing in hot water! -You think we're gonna take him to the movies? -Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you -OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot -Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator -I can't get it out. This thing's heavy -Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it'll run out -I'm gonna get my camera -I think if I could pry the door off… -We should have gotten steaks. They don't run around -Goddamn it! Oh, jeez! -pick this lobster up. Hold it, please -You're gonna take pictures now? -Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely! -Oh, God! That's disgusting! -One more, Alvy. please! -Oh, good! Good! -Here's what I want to know. Am I your first big romance? -Oh, no. No, no -Really? Who was? -There was Dennis from Chippewa Falls High School -Dennis? Local kid? Would meet you in front of the movie house? -You should have seen what I looked like then. -I can imagine. probably the wife of an astronaut. -Then there was Jerry, the actor. -Look at you. You're such a clown -I look pretty -You always look pretty. But that guy… -Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious -Like a kind of liberating consciousness -It's like a visual poem -Is he kidding with that crap? -Oh, right -I think I know exactly what you mean when you say “religious” -You do? -- Oh, come on. I was younger. - Hey, that was last year -It's like when I think of dying -- You know how I'd like to die? - No. How? -I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals -Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels! -Listen, he was a terrific actor. He's neat-looking and he was emotional… -I don't think you like emotion too much -Touch my heart… with your foot -I may throw up -He was creepy -I think you're pretty lucky I came along -Oh, really? Well, la-de-da -If anyone had ever told me I would be taking out a girl -who used expressions like la-de-da… -You really like those New York girls -- Well, not just. Not only. - I'd say so. You married two of them -There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at princeton -The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell -Two more chairs, they got a dining room set -- Why are you so hostile? - Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV -Is that paul Goodman? No -Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book -Douglas Wyatt. The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. -I'm so tired of making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery. -Commentary. -Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery. -No jokes. These are friends, OK? -Here you are -There's people out there -Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead points, and now they're ahead two points -What is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases -trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? -What is fascinating is that it's physical -Intellectuals prove you can be absolutely brilliant -and have no idea what's going on -But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie -as we now know -Stop acting out -It'll be great. All those phDs are in there discussing modes of alienation -and we'll be in here quietly humping -Alvy, don't. You're using sex to express hostility -Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? -He said, as he removed her brassiere -There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine! -Oh, my God -What would they think? -Damn siren! -OK. Don't get upset -Dammit! I was so close! -Last night it was a guy honking his car horn. The city can't close down -You wanna have them shut down the airport too? -No more flights so we can have sex? -I'm too tense. I need a Valium -My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York -We can't have this discussion. The country makes me nervous -You've got crickets. There's no place to walk after dinner -The screens with the dead moths behind 'em -You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Terry -OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium? -It's quiet now. We can start again -I can't. My head is throbbing -- You got a headache? - I have a headache -Bad? -- Like Oswald in Ghosts. - Jesus! -Where are you going? -I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers -Max, my serve will send you to the showers early -The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism -Max, the city is terribly run -I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin -Every time some group disagrees with you, it's because of anti-Semitism -The rest of the country sees New York -as left-wing, Communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers -I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here -Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun -Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad -Sun, milk, red meat, college -I know, but I… -Egad. Here he comes -You know Alvy? This is Janet -This is Annie Hall -This is Alvy -Who's playing with who? -You and me against them? -- I can't play too good, you know? - I've had four lessons -Hi! -Well… -Bye -You play very well -Oh, yeah? So do you -Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right? -You say, “You play well” and then right away I have to say, “You play well.” -Oh! -God, Annie. Well… -Oh, well -You want a lift? -Oh, why? -You got a car? -Me? No. I was gonna take a cab -Oh, no. I have a car -You have a car? -I don't understand. If you have a car, so then… -why did you say, “Do you have a car?” Like you wanted a lift? -I don't… I don't… -Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't… -It's… I've got this VW out there -What a jerk! Yeah -Would you like a lift? -Sure. Which way are you going? -Me? Downtown -I'm going uptown -Well, you know, I'm going uptown too -You just said you were going downtown -Sorry -I can go uptown too. I live uptown, but what the hell! -Lt'll be nice having company. I hate driving alone -So where do you know Janet from? -- I'm in her acting class. - You're an actress? -Well, I do commercials, sort of -- You're not from New York, right? - Chippewa Falls -- Where? - Wisconsin -You're driving a tad rapidly -Don't worry. I'm a very good driver. I'm good -- You want some gum anyway? - No. No, thanks -Hey, don't… No, no. Would you watch the road? I'll get it! -- I'll get you a piece. - So, you drive? -Do I drive? No. I've got a problem with driving -Oh, you do? -I've got a licence, but I have too much hostility -Nice car. You keep it nice -Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich? -Huh? Oh, yeah -I live over here. Oh, my God! Look! There's a parking space -That's OK. We can walk to the kerb from here -- You want your tennis stuff? - Oh. Yeah -That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot -Well… -Thank you -You're a wonderful tennis player and… -you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life -Anyplace. Europe. The United… Anyplace. Asia -- And I love what you're wearing. - Oh, you do, yeah? -Oh, well, it's a… This tie is a present from Grammy Hall -Who? Grammy… Grammy Hall? -Yeah, my grammy -Did you grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? -- Your grammy? - I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it? -My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks -Well… -Thank you again -Hey, you wanna come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something? -I mean, you don't have to. You're probably late -No, that'd be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure -I've got time. I've got nothing… till my analyst appointment -Oh, you see an analyst? -Yeah. Just for years -I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes -… Nah! Come on! -Yeah? Really? -Sylvia plath? Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide -was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality -Oh, sorry -I don't know. Some of her poems seem neat -Neat? I hate to tell you, this is -“Neat” went out, I would say, at the turn of the century -Who are those photos on the wall? -Oh! Well, you see now… that's my dad -That's Father. And that's my brother Duane -- Duane? - Yeah, right. Duane -And over there is Grammy Hall. And that's Sadie -- Who's Sadie? - Oh, well, Sadie… -Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother George -George was real sweet. He had that thing… -What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence? What is it? -- Narcolepsy. - Right, right! -So anyway… George went to the union, you see, to get his free turkey -The union always gave George this free turkey at Christmas time -because he was shell-shocked in the First World War -Anyway, so George is standing in line - oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey -But the thing is, is that he falls asleep -and he never wakes up! -So… so he's dead! -He's dead. Yeah -Oh, dear -Well… Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty awful -It's a great story, though. It really made my day -I think I should get outta here cos I think I'm imposing -Really? Well, maybe… -You know, I… -- You don't have to, you know. - I'm all perspired and everything -Didn't you take a shower at the club? -Me? No. Cos I never shower in a public place -Why not? -Cos I don't like to get naked in front of another man -Oh, I see. I see -I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender -You never know what's gonna happen -- years, huh? - years, yeah. That's… -God bless -You're what Grammy Hall would call “a real Jew” -Thank you -Yeah, well, she hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money -But she's the one. Is she ever! I'm tellin' you -So did you do those photographs in there or what? -Yeah. I sort of dabble around, you know. I dabble? Listen to me - what a jerk! -They're wonderful, you know. They have a… a quality. You are a great-looking girl. -Well, I would like to take a serious photography course. He probably thinks lm a yo-yo. -photography's interesting cos it's a new art form, I wonder what she looks like naked. -And a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet -Aesthetic criteria? You mean whether it's a good photo or not? Lm not smart enough for him. Hang in there. -The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. I don“t know what l”m saying. She senses lm shallow. -Well… to me… I mean, it's… it's… It's all instinctive. I just try to feel it. God, I hope he doesnt turn out to be a shmuck like the others. -I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much -Still, you need a set of aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective. Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax! -Well, I don't know -I guess you must be sort of late, huh? -You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon. Otherwise I… -- Hey, are you busy Friday night? - Me? -Oh, uh, no -Oh, I'm sorry! I have something -What about Saturday night? -Nothing. No, no -You're very popular, I can see -- I know. - Do you have plague? -Well, I mean, I meet a lot of jerks -I meet a lot of jerks too. I think that's a… -But I'm thinking about getting some cats -Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no! -Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna… -I'm gonna sing. Yeah -You're gonna sing? Do you sing? No kidding? -- This is my first time. - Really? Where? I'd like to come -- Oh, no! - I'm interested -I'm just… I'm auditioning at this club. I don't… -- It's my first time. - It's OK. I know exactly what that's like -You're gonna like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun -It had to be you -It had to be you -I wandered around -And finally found -The somebody who -Could make me be true -Could make me be blue -And even be glad -Just to be sad -Thinking of you -I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing! -So the audience was a tad restless -What do you mean, a tad restless? They hated me! -They didn't! You have a wonderful voice! -- I'm gonna quit. - I won't let you. You have a great voice -- Really? Do you think so? Really? - Yeah. It's terrific -I never even took a lesson, either -Hey, listen. Give me a kiss -- Really? - Because we're just gonna go home later -There's gonna be all that tension and I won't know when to make the right move -So we'll kiss now, we'll get it over with and then go eat -- We'll digest our food better. - OK -So now we can digest our food -I'm gonna have the corned beef, please -Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami on white bread -with mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce -So… your second wife left you. And were you depressed about that? -Nothing that a few megavitamins couldn't cure -And your first wife? Allison? -She was nice, but… That was my fault. I was just… I was too crazy -That was so nice -That was nice -As Balzac said, “There goes another novel.” -You were great -Yeah. I'm wrecked -- You're wrecked! - I mean it -I will never play the piano again -It was… I don't know. You really thought it was good? -Yes -That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing -Here. You want some? -No. I… I don't… use any major hallucinogenics because I… -took a puff about five years ago at a party and… -Tried to take my pants off over my head -Something got in one ear -Well, I don't really… I don't do it very often -It just sort of relaxes me -- You're not gonna believe this, but… - What? -I'm gonna buy you these books because I think you should read them -- Instead of that cat book. - That's pretty serious stuff there -Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death, I think. Big subject with me -I have a very pessimistic view of life -You should know this if we're gonna go out -I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable -Those are the two categories. The horrible would be like terminal cases -And blind people. And cripples. I don't know how they get through life -And the miserable is everyone else -So you should be thankful that you're miserable -You're very lucky to be miserable -Look at that guy -In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there -He's just come back from the gin rummy finals -placed third -Look at these guys. They're back from Fire Island. They're giving it a chance -- Italian, right? - Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia -Linen supply business or cement and contracting, I think -“Oh, gee! Must have my moustache waxed.” -There's the winner of the Truman Capote lookalike contest -You are extremely sexy. Unbelievably sexy -- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are -You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse -What does that mean? I don't know what that is -You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure -in every part of your body when I touch you. Like the tip of your nose -If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you suddenly get excited -You know what? I like you -I really do like you -Do you love me? That's the key question -I know you've only known me a short while -I think that's sort of… Yeah. Yeah, yeah -Do you love me? -Love is… too weak a word for… the way I feel -I lurve you. You know, I loave you -I luff you. With two Fs. Yes, I have to invent… -Of course I do. Don't you think I do? -I don't know -You're not gonna give up your apartment, are you? -Of course -- But why? - I'm moving in with you -- But you've got a nice apartment. - I have a tiny apartment -- I know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs -Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative thing -You know, bugs are… Entomology is a rapidly growing field -- You don't want me to live with you. - I don't want you to live with me? -- Whose idea was it? - Mine -It was yours, actually. But I approved it immediately -I guess you think I talked you into something, huh? -No! We live together, we sleep together, we eat together -Jesus! You don't want it to be like we're married, do you? -- How is it any different? - Cos you keep your own apartment -We don't have to go to it. We don't have to deal with it -It's like a free-floating life raft. That we know that we're not married -That little apartment is $ a month, Alvy -- That place is $ a month? - Yes, it is -It's got bad plumbing and bugs -Jesus! My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it -- You don't think I'm smart enough. - Hey, don't be ridiculous -Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb? -Adult education's a wonderful thing -You meet interesting professors. It's stimulating -Does this sound like a good course? -“Modern American poetry”? -Or let's see now. Maybe I should take… -“Introduction to the Novel” -Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf. -Hey, what do you think? You think we should go to that party in Southampton? -Don't be silly. What do we need other people for? -We should just turn out the lights and play hide the salami or something -Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette -Grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday -- Well, have you ever made love high? - Me? No -If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful -I get too wonderful for words -I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love -- Well, it relaxes me. - You have to be artificially relaxed -- before we can go to bed? - What's the difference? -Take a shot of Sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it -You've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -You should smoke this. You'd be off the couch in no time -- Come on. You don't need that. - What are you doing? -- No, Alvy. please. - You can live without it once -Wait. I got a great idea -Hang in there for a second. I got a little artefact -A little erotic artefact that I brought up from the city -which I think is gonna be perfect -There. Create a little old New Orleans essence -Now we can go about our business here -and even develop photographs if we want to -- Hey, is something wrong? - No. Why? -I don't know. It's like you're removed -- No, I'm fine. - Really? -I don't know. You seem sorta distant -Let's just do it, all right? -Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions? -Do you remember where I put my drawing pad? -While you two are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some drawing -- That's what I call removed. - Oh, you have my body -Yeah, but I want the whole thing -Well, I need grass -Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass -I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh from a person who's high -it doesn't count, cos they're always laughing -- Were you always funny? - What is this? An interview? -We're supposed to be making love -This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you -Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good -Let me explain how I work -I don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys that come out -You know you're gonna fall down -But material's gotta be sensational for me. I work with very… I'm kinda classy -Let me explain. For instance, I open with a song. Musical style like… -place looks wonderful from here -And you folks look wonderful from here -And seeing you there with a smile on your face -Makes me shout “This must be the place” -Then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you -“I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French up there.” -“The word to remember is Jeanne d”Arc. It means the light's out in the bathroom -“I met a big lumberjack…” -Jesus! This guys pathetic. -Look at him mincing around. -He thinks hes real cute. You wanna throw up. -If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes. -I dont know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face. -Lm in the wrong business. I know it. -“But… chéri…” -“What will I do with this?” -“Oh, Marie! Sometime you make me so mad!” -They scream at that! Write me something like that. A French number. Can you do it? -Where am I? I have to reorient myself -This is the University of Wisconsin, right? Cos I'm always… tense… -I have a very bad history with colleges. I went to New York University -And I was thrown out of NYU in my freshman year -for cheating on my metaphysics final -I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me -My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman -locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles -I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis -I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself -But I was in analysis with a strict Freudian -If you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss -Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding. It was… -- You were so funny. - College audiences are wonderful -And I'm starting to get more of the references too -Are you? Well, the o'clock show's completely different -I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. You'll meet Mother and Father -- They'll hate me immediately. - I don't think so -I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner -I think they're gonna really like you -It's a nice ham this year, Mom -Oh, yeah -Grammy always does such a good job -A great sauce! -It is. It's dynamite ham -We went over to the swap meet -Annie, Gram and I. We got some nice picture frames -We really had a good time -Ann tells us that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -Yes. I'm making excellent progress -pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib -- Duane and I went out to the boat basin. - We were caulking holes all day -And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual -That Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie -- He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes -I can't believe this family -Annie's mother is really beautiful -And they're talking swap meets and boat basins -And the old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater -They really look American. Very healthy. Like they never get sick or anything -Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water -Let him drop dead. Who needs his business? -- His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes? -Is that an excuse? Diabetes? -The man is years old and doesn't have a substantial job -- Is that a reason to steal from his father? - What are you talking about? -Sure! Defend him! -pass the wurst there -Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary -You don't say! -How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs Singer? -- We fast. - Fast? -No food. To atone for our sins -What sins? I don't understand -To tell you the truth, neither do we -Alvy -Hi, Duane. How's it goin'? -This is my room -Oh, yeah? It's terrific -Can I confess something? -I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand -Sometimes when I'm driving -on the road at night, I see two headlights coming toward me -Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly -head-on into the oncoming car -I can anticipate the explosion -The sound of shattering glass. The… -flames rising out of the flowing gasoline -Right. Well… -I have to go now, Duane, because I… -I'm due back on the planet Earth -- Don't let it be so long. - Look up Uncle Billy -- He is adorable. - Do you think so? -- You're taking them to the airport? - Duane can. I haven't finished my drink -Yes, Duane is. Just a second. I have to get… -- You followed me. - I didn't follow you -You followed me! -I was walking behind staring at you. That's not following -- What is your definition of following? - I was spying -- Do you realise how paranoid you are? - You've got your arms around a guy -That is the worst kind of paranoid -I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd pick you up after school -You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? -You're having an affair with your professor -That jerk that teaches that crap course - Contemporary Crisis in Western Man? -Existential Motifs in Russian Literature! -It's all mental masturbation -We finally get to a subject you know about -Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love -We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat -Neat. Are you years old? -- That's a Chippewa Falls expression. - Who cares?! -Next he'll find you keen and peachy. Then he's got his hand on your ass -You've always had hostility towards David -- You call your teacher David? - It's his name -It's a biblical name, right? What does he call you? Bathsheba? -Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment -You don“t think l”m smart enough. -We had that argument just last month. Or dont you remember that day? -- I'm home! - Oh, yeah? How did it go? -Oh, it was really weird, but she's a very nice woman -I didn't have to lie down on the couch. She had me sitting up -I told her about the family and my feelings towards men -and my relationship with my brother -She mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that? -I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on. I'm interested -She said I was very guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children -Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love -All this happened the first hour? -I've been going for years. I don't have… nothing like that -I told her my dream and then I cried -You cried? I have never once cried. That's fantastic -I whine. I sit and I whine -In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face and I can't breathe -- Sinatra? - Yeah. Strangling me -Sure. Because he's a singer and you're a singer -It's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself -It's a perfect analytic kind of insight -She said your name was Alvy Singer -- What do you mean? Me? - Yeah, you -Because in the dream I break Sinatra's glasses -You never said Sinatra had glasses. What are you saying? That I'm suffocating you? -God, Alvy. I did this really terrible thing to him -Because then, when he sang, it was in this real high-pitched voice -What did the doctor say? -I should probably come five times a week -I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife? -- Will it change your wife? - My life -- You said, “Will it change my wife?” - I said, “Will it change my life?” -- You said wife. - Life! I said life -She said, “Will it change my wife?” You heard that, so I'm not crazy -I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously -because you don't think I'm smart enough -Why do you always bring that up? -Because I encourage you to take adult education courses? -You meet wonderful, interesting professors -Adult education is such junk. The professors are so phoney -I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher -And why are you following me around? -- I was following you and David. - Let's call it quits -That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong -She cooled off to me. Is it something that I did? -It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades -Love fades? God! That's a depressing thought -I have to ask you a question. With your wife in bed -does she need some kind of artificial stimulation? Like marijuana? -We use a large vibrating egg -A large vibrating egg? -Well, I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of an answer. Jesus! -Here. You look like a very happy couple -- Are you? - Yeah -So how do you account for it? -I'm very shallow and empty -and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say -- And I'm exactly the same way. - I see. Well, that's very interesting -So you've managed to work out something, huh? -Well, thanks very much for talking to me -Even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think thats my problem. -My mother took me to see Snow White. Everyone fell in love with Snow White. -I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen. -- We never have any fun any more. - How can you say that? -You're always leaning on me to improve myself -You must be getting your period -I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon character -Can't I be upset once in a while? -Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date -I don't wanna go out with any other women -I have got a girl for you. You'll love her. She's a reporter for Rolling Stone. -I think there are more people here to see the Maharishi than there were for Dylan -I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills -Especially when he sang, “She takes just like a woman.” -“And she makes love just like a woman. Yes, she does.” -“And she aches just like a woman.” -“But she breaks just like a little girl.” -After that, the most charismatic event I covered -was Mick's birthday at Madison Square Garden -- That's great. That's just great. - Did you catch Dylan? -Me? No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis -You have a raccoon? -A few -The only word for this is transplendid -It's transplendid -I can think of another word -He's God. This man is God. He's got millions of followers -who would crawl across the world just to touch the hem of his garment -Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem -I'm a Rosicrucian myself -I can't get with any religion that advertises in popular Mechanics. -Look. There's God coming out of the men's room -It's unbelievably transplendid! -I was at the Stones concert when they killed that guy -Were you? I was at an Alice Cooper thing -where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes -I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish -Oh, no. Don't be… Don't be silly. You know, I… -I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now -Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience -Oh. Thank you -I mean that as a compliment -I think… I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm -You know, to make up for empty areas in life -Who said that? -I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb -Oh, hi! -Uh… no. What… -What's the matter? -You sound terrible -No. Sure, I… -What kind of emergency? -No. Well, stay there. I'll come over right now -Just stay there. I'll come right over -It's me. Open up. Are you OK? -What's the matter? Are you all right? -There's a spider in the bathroom -What? -There's a big, black spider in the bathroom -You got me here at three in the morning cos there's a spider in the bathroom? -You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around -Kill it! What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid? -I told you a thousand times. You should always keep a lotta insect spray -You never know who's gonna crawl over -And a first-aid kit and a fire-extinguisher… -Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired -You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything -An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake -Hey, what is this? Did you go to a rock concert? -Oh, yeah? Really? -How'd you like it? -Was it… I mean, was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity? -It was just great -Why don't you get the guy that took you to the rock concert -to come over and kill the spider? -I called you. You wanna help me or not, huh? -Since when do you read the National Review? -- What are you turning into? - I like to try to get all points of view -Then get William F Buckley to kill the spider -Alvy, you're a little hostile. You know that? -Not only that. You look thin and tired -It's three o'clock in the morning! You got me out of bed -I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency -I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more attractive when the evening began -Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star? -Would you like a glass of chocolate milk? -Hey, what am I? Your son? I came over for… -I got the good chocolate -- Where's the spider? - It's in the bathroom -Don't squish it. And after it's dead, flush it down the toilet a couple of times -Darling, I've been killing spiders since I was , OK? -It's a very big spider. Lotta trouble. There's two of them -I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom? -It's at your house. I think I left it there. I'm sorry. What are you doing? -Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick -- What is this? You got black soap? - It's for my complexion -What, are you joining a minstrel show? -Don't worry! -I did it. I killed them both. What are you sad about? -What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em? -- Oh, don't go. please. - What do you mean, don't… -What's the matter? Are you expecting termites? -What's the matter? -I don't know. I miss you -- Oh, Jesus. Really? - Oh, yeah -- Alvy? - What? -Was there somebody in your room when I called you? -- What do you mean? - Was there… I thought I heard a voice -I had the radio on. I'm sorry - it was the television set -I was watching… -Alvy, let's never break up again -I don't wanna be apart -I think we're both much too mature for something like that -Living together hasn't been so bad, has it? -No. For me, it's been terrific. You know? -Better than either one of my marriages -There's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great -You know, I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun -I mean, I know it's hard. It's… -Alvy, what about… what if we go away this weekend? -Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn? -We could show you the old neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you -Yeah, it would -Oh, my God! It's a great day! -Watch the road! You're gonna total the whole car! -I've never even been to Brooklyn -I can't wait to see the old neighbourhood. We can show her the schoolyard -I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max. The best. I was all-schoolyard -They threw him a football once and he tried to dribble it -I used to lose my glasses a lot -Oh, look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live -Holy cow! -You're lucky. Where I lived is now a pornographic equipment store -I have some very good memories there -Your mother and father fighting all the time? -Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things -- You fired the cleaner? - She stole! -She's coloured! They have enough trouble! -- She went through my pocketbook! - They're persecuted enough! -- Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it! -How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more? -She's a coloured woman from Harlem! She has no money! -She's got a right to steal from us! Who is she gonna steal from if not us? -- You're both crazy! - They can't hear you, Max -Leo, I married a fool! -Hey, Max. What's that? -That's the welcome-home party, , for my cousin Herbie -Look. There. That's Joey Nichols. He was my father's friend -He was always bothering me when I was a kid -Joey Nichols. See? Nickels -See? Nickels -You see? Nickels. You can always remember my name -Just think of Joey Five Cents -That's me! Joey Five Cents! -What an asshole -The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister Tessie -I was always the sister with good common sense -Tessie was always the one with personality -When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie -Tessie Moskowitz had the personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt -She was once a great beauty -Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality -I was a great beauty -- How did this personality come about? - I was very charming -There were many men interested in you? -Oh, I was quite a lively dancer -That's very hard to believe -Well, I had a really good day. It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday -- Your birthday's not till tomorrow. - But it's real close -Yeah, but no presents till midnight -I wonder what this is -- Happy birthday. - What is this? -Is this a present? Are you kidding? -- Yeah. Why don't you try it on? - Yeah? I don't… -- This is more like a present for you. - It'll add ten years to our sex life -- Yeah. Forget it. - Here's a real present -Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? -- Check it out. - Let me see -OK. Let's see -Oh, God! -You knew I wanted this. God! It's terrific -Just put on the watch and the… and that thing and everything -Oh, God. Oh -Seems like -Old times -Having you -To walk with -Seems like -Old times -Having you to walk with -And it's still a thrill -Just to have my arms around you -Still the thrill -That it was the day I found you -Seems like -Old times -Dinner dates and flowers -Old times -Staying up all hours -Making dreams come true -Doing things we used to do -Seems like old times -Here with -You -Thank you -You were sensational. I told you if you stuck to it you would be great -And… and you know… you were sensational -Well, Alvy, they were just a terrific audience -It makes it really easy for me because I can be… -Excuse me -Hi, I'm Tony Lacey -We just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your set -Oh, yeah, really? -I thought it was very musical and I liked it a lot -That's really nice. Thanks a lot -Are you recording? Do you… Are you with any label now? -Me? No -No. Not at all -Well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance -- possibly working together. - Well, that's nice -Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? -No, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours -Thank you very much -This is Shaun and Bob and… Bob and petronia -Hi -We're going back to the pierre. We're staying at the pierre -We're gonna meet Jack and Anjelica and have a drink -If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you -We can just sit and talk. Nothing… -Not a big deal. It's just relaxed. It would just be very mellow -Remember we have that thing -What thing? -Don't you remember we discussed that thing that we were… We had a… -Oh, the thing! -Yeah… -Oh, well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine too. We'll do it another time -Maybe if you're on the coast, we'll get together and meet there -It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it -Nice to have met you. Good night -Bye -What's the matter? You wanted to go to that party? -I don't know. I thought it might be kinda fun -It would be nice to meet some new people -I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow -I have a tendency to… If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot -It's not good for my… -So you don't wanna go to the party. So what do you wanna do? -That was the last day I remember really having a good time -- We never have any laughs any more. - I've been moody and dissatisfied -- How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often? -- Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. - Constantly. I'd say three times a week -- The other night Alvy wanted to have sex. - She would not sleep with me -Then… I don't know… Six months ago I would have done it just to please him -I tried everything, you know. I put on soft music and my red light bulb -But the thing is, since our discussions here -I feel I have a right to my own feelings -I think you would have been happy because I asserted myself -I'm paying for her analysis. And she's making progress and I'm getting screwed -I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it -So I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him -If I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings -She's making progress and I'm not. Her progress is killing my progress -Sometimes I think I should just live with a woman -I don't believe it! You mean to tell me you guys have never snorted coke? -Well, I always wanted to try. But Alvy, he's very down on it -Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose -There's the nasal membrane -- You never wanna try anything new, Alvy. - How can you say that? -I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should have a threesome -- Well, that's sick! - I know it's sick, but it's new -You didn't say it couldn't be sick -Come on, Alvy -Do your body a favour. Try it -I'm sure it's a lot of fun, cos the Incas did it -And they were a million laughs -Come on. For your own experience. You wanna write -It's great stuff. A friend of mine just brought it in from California -Oh, you know, we're going to California next week -It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know -On my agent's advice, I sold out and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV -No. That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television -You act like you're violating a moral issue -We have to leave New York during Christmas week, which kills me -Listen, while you're in California, could you possibly score some coke for me? -Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it in a hollow heel that I have on my boot -How much is this stuff, incidentally? -It's about $, an ounce -Really? And what is the kick of it? Cos I never… -I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved here, Max -I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi -And the women are like the women in playboy magazine -only they can move their arms and legs -I can't get over it - this is really Beverly Hills -The architecture's so consistent -French next to Spanish next to Tudor next to Japanese -God! It's so clean out here -They don't throw their garbage out. They make it into TV shows -Give us a break, Max. It's Christmas -Can you believe this is Christmas? -It was snowing and really grey in New York, naturally -Santa Claus'll have sunstroke -Max, there's no crime. There's no mugging -There's no economic crime -But there's ritual religious-cult murders. There's wheat-germ killers out here -While you're out here, I want you to see some of my TV show -And we're invited to a big Christmas party -All right now, Charlie, give me a good laugh here -… limousine to the track break down? -A little bigger -Max, you realise how immoral this all is? -- Max, I got a hit series. - I know. But you're adding fake laughs -… home so early. -Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie -We do this show live in front of an audience -And nobody laughs, cos the jokes aren't funny -That's why this machine is dynamite -Honey, you“d better lie down. You”ve been in the sun too long. -Now give me a medium-sized chuckle here -And then a big hand -Is there booing on that? -Oh, Max -I don't feel well -- What's the matter? - I don't know. I just got… very dizzy -- I feel dizzy, Max. - Well, sit down -Oh, Jesus! -- Are you all right? - I don't know -- You wanna lie down? - No. My stomach felt queasy all morning -- How about a ginger ale? - Oh… Max, no -Maybe I'd better lie down -Why don't you try to get a little of this down? It's just plain chicken -Oh, no. I can't eat this -I'm nauseous -If you can just give me something to get me through the next two hours -I have to go out to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show -There's nothing wrong with you, actually, so far as I can tell -You have no fever. No symptoms of anything serious -- You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor -Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine -They found a replacement so they're going to tape without you -Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show? -- I know. Listen, doctor. - I was just saying, I can't find anything -- Nothing at all? - No. I could get a lab man up here -Can I have the salt, please? -perhaps it would be even better if we took him to hospital for a day or two -Otherwise there's no real way to tell what's going on -This is not bad, actually -Don't tell me we have to walk from the car to the house -My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles -I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy -I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie -All the good meetings are taken -Right now it's only a notion. But I think I can get money -to make it into a concept, and then turn it into an idea -Like this house, Max? -I even brought a map to get us to the bathroom -You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party -What difference does that make? -- I think he has a thing for Annie. - No. Unfortunately, Max -- he goes with that girl over there. - Where? -The one with the VpL -Visible panty Line -- Max, she is gorgeous. - Yeah, she's a ten, Max -- Great for you, cos you're used to twos. - There are no twos, Max -The kind with shopping bags in Central park with surgical masks on, muttering -How do you like this couple? They just came back from Masters and Johnson -Yeah. Intensive care ward -My God. Hey, Max, I think she's giving me the eye -If she comes over, my brain'll turn into guacamole -- Hi. - You're Alvy Singer, right? -- Didn't we meet at EST? - No, I was never to EST -- Then how can you criticise it? - Oh, he didn't say anything -I came out to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis -- He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How you doing? -- You taste to see if the food's poisoned? - Yeah. He's crazy -You guys are wearing white. It must be in the stars. Uri Geller must be here -We're gonna operate together -We just need about six weeks. In six weeks we could cut the whole album -I don't know. This is strange to me -You can come and stay here. There's a whole wing you can have -- Yeah? Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling? -I don't know -Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meeting -This is a great house. Really. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts -You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond -- Then you know who lived here? - Trigger -Charlie Chaplin. Right before his un-American thing -That's great -- But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, I love it there -I used to live there. I used to live there for years, but… It's so dirty now -I'm into garbage. It's my thing -This is a really nice screening room, Tony -There's another thing about New York -If you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in line. It could be freezing -We saw Grand Illusion here last night -Hey, that's a great film if you're high -Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing -No, thanks, man. I'm cool -It's wonderful. They just eat and watch movies all day -And gradually you get old and die -It's important to make an effort once in a while -Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful? -A tad on the androgynous side, but dynamite -Yeah. I forgot my mantra -That was fun. -I don“t think California”s bad at all. -Its a drag coming home. -A lot of beautiful women. -It was fun to flirt. -I have to face facts. -I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesnt seem to work any more. -Lll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. -What do I need this? -If only I had the nerve to break up. But it would really hurt him. -If only I didnt feel guilty asking Annie to move out. -Itd probably wreck her. But I should be honest. -Alvy, let's face it. You know… -I don't think our relationship is working -I know. A relationship, I think, is like a shark -It has to constantly move forward, or it dies -And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark -Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? -If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine -It sure has… You wrote your name in all my books -cos you knew this day was gonna come -Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do -No question. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt -All the books on death and dying are yours, and all the poetry books are mine -Denial of Death. This is the first book that I got you. Remember that day? -Jeez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. Hm -Oh. Thanks, Annie -Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I think it's really important for us -to explore new relationships and stuff like that -There's no question about that. Cos we've given this a more than fair shot -My analyst thinks this move is key for me -And, you know, I trust her. Because my analyst recommended her -Why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway? -And you know what the beauty part is? -- We can always get back together again. - Exactly -I don't think many couples could handle this. Just break up and remain friends -Hey, this one's mine, this button. I guess these are all yours -Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon -Impeach Lyndon Johnson. Impeach Ronald Reagan -I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake -She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey -Then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her live there -- He's a jerk, for one thing. - He graduated Harvard -He may have… Listen, Harvard makes mistakes too. Kissinger taught there -Don't tell me you're jealous -Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea -Can I show you something, lady? I have here… I found this in the apartment -Black soap. She used to wash her face times a day with black soap -Don't ask me why -Why don't you go out with other women? -Well, I tried. But it's… you know, it's very depressing -This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom! -What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters -You're a grown man. You know how to pick up a lobster -- I'm not myself since I stopped smoking. - When did you quit? - years ago -What do you mean? -Mean? -You stopped smoking years ago. Is that what you said? -I don't understand -Are you joking or what? -Central park's turning green -Yeah. I saw that lunatic that we used to see -with the pinwheel hat, you know, and the roller skates -Listen, I… I want you to come back here -Well… Then I'm gonna come out there and get you -What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am? -I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in -I… Well, I flew in to see you -Hey, listen. Can we not debate this on the telephone? -Because I feel that I got a temperature -And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea already. I don't feel so good -Wherever you wanna meet. I don“t care. L”ll drive in. I rented a car. -Lm driving. What do you… -What, is that such a miracle? Lm driving myself. -I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and… -a plate of mashed yeast -You look very pretty -Oh, no. I just lost a little weight, that's all -Well… you look nice -I've been thinking about it, and I think that we should get married -Oh, Alvy. Come on -Why? You wanna live out here? -It's like living in Munchkin Land -What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here -I mean, Tony's very nice -And… well, I meet people and I go to parties and we play tennis -I mean, that's a very big step for me, you know -I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more -So… you're not gonna come back to New York? -What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. -You didn't read Death in Venice till I bought it for you -That's right. You only gave me books with the word “death” in the title -Cos it's an important issue -Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life -You're like New York City. You're just this person -You're like this island unto yourself -I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is -If one guy is starving someplace, that's… it puts a crimp in my evening -So you wanna get married or what? -No. We're friends -I wanna remain friends -OK -Check, please! -You're mad, aren't you? -Yes, of course I'm mad. Because you love me. I know that -Alvy,
要是身边有这么一个喋喋不休的话唠，真想一脚踹过去，大钉子扎脑门上，让他永远贴在墙上。
爱死伍迪艾伦的神经质话唠了！①知识分子式的自嘲揶揄，对白轰炸，全程合不拢嘴；②幽默调侃下悲凉心酸尽显，首尾格言式冷笑话独白，令人咋舌；③多样的视觉花招:分屏,对摄影机演说,做爱时灵魂出体旁观,人物自由出入参与闪回场景,白雪公主动画戏仿;字幕透露真实想法...④费里尼,麦克卢汉。（9.5/10）
安妮霍尔那一身行头酷毙了！！（第50届奥斯卡最佳影片、最佳导演、最佳原创剧本、最佳女主角奖）
对白信息量太大，尤其是两个初次见面在安妮家聊天时内心的真实想法和嘴上装逼说的话，真是太形象了。。。#论一个装逼青年见到心动的姑娘该如何聊天#
我一直觉得拍这部电影真的很需要勇气，就像把自己剖开展现给大家看，你的人生观、价值观，你的思想与生活经历，你的爱情，得与失。可以说是可爱的。
我们都是成年人，即使分手了也可以冷静地帮你打包东西，反正都到这个年纪了，谁没分过几次手呢；但是讨厌坐飞机的我，不敢开车的我，还是甘愿飞三千英里再开车过来求你嫁给我。你不同意，没关系，我不难过，因为我是成年人。打破第四堵墙的拍摄方式让一个虚构的故事变成现实。
自传性/犹太情结/对生与死、爱与罪、性与欲、道德与责任的探讨/弗洛伊德无意识理论/中产阶级知识分子的困惑/片段式结构/画外音、分屏、长镜头、中近景，心理外化，跳出情境，对着镜头喋喋不休
重看，完美，感觉很多爱情电影讲的都是同一个故事。
艾维最大的毛病，在于他身上那种自相矛盾的性格。用伊索寓言里的比喻来说，他就是那只蝙蝠，蝙蝠见兽装兽，见鸟装鸟。但艾维刚好是相反，跟知识分子在一起，他觉得自己跟着这群装腔作势的家伙绝不是一路人，跟普通人在一起他又开始鄙视这些人是文盲。蝙蝠其实就是哺乳动物，艾维其实也就是个知识分子。
男：你星期五晚上有时间吗？ 女：我…应该有… 男：噢，周五我不行，周六晚上呢？
虽然也看了很多，客观说也真的还不错，但对你们奉若大神的伍迪一直无感。为什么呢？因为他是个标准的文艺人。就是那种想打炮，喜欢打炮，还要把打炮说的不像打炮的。打炮前需要诗词歌赋撩骚，打炮后需要琴棋书画温存的人。你们这帮文艺青年啊～～～就好这口～～～
这个死话痨XD 多么卡通的人格。 结尾蒙太奇又多么伤感的浪漫。除去知识分子中型文青，难想象若被寻常塑料片养成废人后能够挨得住、能够消化得了这种速度:)
——真干净啊这儿（比佛利山）——当然，因为他们从不乱扔垃圾，他们留着垃圾做电视剧呢。
"我绝不加入有像我这样会员的俱乐部"。其实片子不大应该叫这个名字。直到现在，这部影片依然是学院奖历史上最反传统的获奖作品.这个对一次失败爱情的随心所欲的剖析之作，借鉴了从伯格曼到格劳乔·马克斯到麦克鲁汉到《白雪公主》等等。这种借鉴不仅仅在故事内容上，还包括形式上，比如角色对着摄象机
四星往上，这还真是我看了几部伍迪艾伦之后感觉最好最愉快的一次了，集各种小清新和小聪明之大成啊。爱情嘛，兜兜转转，有时候就这样在一起了，有时候就那样分开了，永远说不清的，再啰嗦都说不清。戴安基顿的衣服真好看！
四星半；将一个自大背后的龟毛男人演绎得活灵活现；貌似渊博丰富的男人对年轻女孩总有吸引力，当女孩有自己圈子、独立人格和追求，关系也告完结；几乎所有男人都奢望拥有既知性达理又年轻漂亮的完美女人，却不知自己轻重；片尾颇有“我努力想忘记你，却发现自己变成了另一个你”之意。
现实中也有不少自命不凡的知识分子（豆瓣文青）也活成了这个样子，自己都烦自己，却期盼着别人来爱自己。殊不知只有傻姑娘才会爱你，可你又十分嫌弃傻姑娘，想要把她改造成聪明姑娘，可是聪明姑娘是不会爱你的
这姑娘笨拙的搭讪，笨拙的对他的喋喋不休表示回应，于是他爱上这个其实没那么聪明的姑娘，并试图把她变得和自己更合拍一些，然后他失败了，他失去了她。这么看起来，这其实是个普通又正常的爱情故事啊，虽然期间少不了老头的絮絮叨叨。
男欢女爱电影的珠穆朗玛峰，伍迪·艾伦此后所有作品感觉都只是它的衍生和变体。妙趣横生的台词，细碎的拍摄技巧，带着小知识分子的自嘲和清醒。中间那场心口不一的聊天戏实在太好笑了！（差点以为屏幕坏掉2333333）
额……台词太多了反应不果来……